Still not enough.
One of my Beyond Coaching clients (let’s call him Will) recently confided in me. Will and I had met for a thinking session, something I often do with my clients. As the title suggests, this goes beyond coaching. Together, we look to the future (some might call it ‘horizon scanning’) and work backwards. We break down the visionary or long-term goals that all executives have into milestones, smaller steps, and importantly, different behaviours.
Will had lots of plans and we made quick progress. But something in our conversation wasn’t quite right. I sensed reticence, nervousness, even anxiety. I asked what it was. He was clearly uncomfortable with the question.
It transpires that Will, despite his outward confidence, competence, and talent, is walking around feeling like a nervous wreck.
He’s turning up to his job day after day and delivering what’s needed. He’s successfully leading a team. He’s part of a high-performing executive committee that are meeting their goals. But he’s miserable. He worries whether he’s up to the job. He ruminates on what he’s getting wrong.
He’s anxious that any day, his career could come crashing down. He’ll not be able to provide for his family. He’ll suffer the humiliation of being seen as someone who just isn’t good enough.
This isn’t weakness, it’s human
We could call this perfectionism, hyper-vigilance, or imposter syndrome. I’d just call it being human.
We all have our anxieties. Ours often seem bigger than other people’s. For example, I believe I’m genetically hyper-vigilant. Psychometric assessments, like Hogan, confirm this. I feel anxieties viscerally. Other people I know just don’t. But very few are immune. As I said, this is being human.
Digging into what was going on for Will, we identified little evidence he was getting very much wrong. His performance was strong, his relationships good, feedback from the CEO and investors positive. Yet he wasn’t able to reduce his anxiety to manageable levels. So we dived in further.
Disclaimer: I’m not a psychologist or therapist. I have strict boundaries and ethics and never attempt to play the role of anything other than professional coach or consultant.
Despite this, listened and played back to Will what he was saying. We kept returning to the same thing: control. Will was trying to control everything. Every variable, every output, every opinion.
My view? What he was trying to control was barely in his influence, never mind control. What his CEO thought of him? Not in his control. Whether he got fired the following week for making an error? Not in his control. A downturn in financial markets that might mean he was out of a job? You’ve guessed it, not in his control.
Awareness isn’t enough under pressure
In his more pragmatic moments, Will knew this. But under pressure awareness was absent. Every time he was triggered, he believed his own narrative. He believed he was incompetent, careless, a bad leader. That he could control the situation by doing the same things he always did, overthinking solutions. In his anxiety, he ignored the fact that these very actions had never helped him before.
Working together, we came up with a different way forward.
- Firstly, we worked on accepting that most things are not within Will’s control. The only thing he can control is his response to triggers. And despite becoming more senior, executives often find that their control is reducing. They need to focus on influence instead.
- Secondly, collect data. How could Will find evidence that supported a different view? A view that he was competent, careful, and a good leader. He re-contracted relationships with those around him. He asked for feedback more regularly to build an accurate view of himself.
- Thirdly, he learned to recognise the triggers and the feelings they aroused. He noticed that his face flushed and his heart raced when he was anxious. This was the signal to challenge his thoughts and what they were telling him to do.
Finally, he practised doing the opposite of what his triggered brain told him to. If in an anxious state his brain wanted to think, he took deep breaths to calm himself down. If it told him to send a sharp email, he filed it in his drafts. If it told him to be defensive, he kept his mouth shut.
Will still gets anxious about his performance. He still worries he will lose his job. He still fears not being able to provide for his family. He probably always will (guess what – he’s human). The difference now is that it is not all consuming. He has rewired his thinking so that he doesn’t automatically believe the bullshit his brain feeds him.
The reality for many leaders
Will is one example of the many executives I and other HEX coaches are working with. Many look like they are relaxed above the surface but like the graceful swan, below the waterline they are paddling like mad.
My advice: take action. You are not your thoughts. Anxiety is not a sign you’re failing, It’s often the price of caring deeply about your work and the people you lead.
